8 Support Strategies for Siblings of Children with a Learning Difficulty

In continuing this month’s theme of support for siblings of children with a learning disability, we have more helpful tips!  We’re offering parents and teachers various techniques to ensure all of their children are nurtured. 

These tips will help all children in the family feel loved, comfortable, and confident in their own shoes.

Growing up with a sibling with special needs gives some children a perspective unlike any other. The impact of disability on siblings has been studied at length among early childhood educators and psychologists.

Sometimes, they might feel excluded and overlooked. With the amount of constant attention their siblings might need, siblings of children with disabilities are left vulnerable to isolation and depression.

So, here are 8 specific support strategies for supporting siblings of children with disabilities.

1. Be mindful of the complexity of siblings’ emotions

Every member of your family will experience a range of complex emotions from time to time. The impact of disability on siblings is often felt most in the ability to be open about how each child is feeling. 

But this is without feeling guilty about taking focus away from their needy siblings. Whether it’s:

• coping with the confusing meltdowns of their siblings,
• being sensitive to their parents’ exhaustion, or
• being comfortable admitting they might be frightened of their siblings’ outbursts at times, siblings of children with disabilities will undoubtedly have a unique array of complex emotions.

It will be important, therefore, to take the time to discuss emotions with your child. They may feel as though their emotions aren’t as important as their siblings’. 

They may think this, since they are better able to self-regulate in general. However, teaching all of your children how to express their feelings at any time will set them up for individual success and support.

A gently structured idea

Consider using a standard curriculum such as the CoordiKids’ How Do You Feel? Chart for teaching children self-regulation and emotional awareness.

Other ideas include having a special jar for each child to write down how they feel just before going to bed. Parents can set aside special one-on-one time to reflect with each child about emotions they felt in various situations during the week.

2. Setting individual expectations

A common difficulty among parents of a child with special needs is knowing how to set the right level of expectations for each child. For example, a child with dyspraxia may have simple household chores to complete. 

Tasks such as folding the towels might suit a child with dyspraxia. However, his siblings may be expected to fold all of the laundry independently.

Differential expectations often lead to an outcry of,

“But Mom, how come I have to do ALL of it, but he only has to do the towels?”

It can be difficult to manage the “fairness” of having two different sets of rules.

Discuss ideas with your children about how to find balance in the expectations around the house and school. Consider the idea of having the same number of chores for each child, even if the tasks differ in level of difficulty.

Or use a timer to determine which types of tasks take the same amount of time from each child. Perhaps all of the children might do the same grand project together. 

That way they can practice sorting the micromanagement amongst themselves as they go. Lastly, find one chore that all the children can do that is the same.

Empower the siblings with knowledge about the special needs child’s condition, limitations AND strengths.

This will help them to understand differences in expectations. And it will give them the knowledge of how to support the one with fewer skills and thus lower expectations.

3. Celebrating individual milestones

There are some great ways to balance high expectations we might have of our children. Because it’s also important for parents to find a way to recognize and celebrate individual achievements regularly.

This will reinforce the fact that it’s ok that everyone has his own set of chores and goals. No matter how small a goal might seem by comparison to a child without challenges, it should earn the same celebration as the goals of his siblings.

Be sure to establish a network of help and support. Having that in place will allow you to attend as many childhood milestone events as possible.

Too often, growing up with a sibling with special needs means growing accustomed (though disheartened) to not having parents at their events because they were too overwhelmed by caring for their special siblings.

Accept that it might be OK to attend gatherings, special events and celebrations without the special needs child.

We know it is extremely sad to leave one child out of a family event. But it might not only be stressful for the family to have this child attending, it might be very stressful for the special child as well. Of course, if you have child minding options, please do not make a habit of leaving this child always at home! 

But accept that occasionally, siblings might need a celebration without having to cope with family issues.  Avoiding another’s meltdowns, premature fatigue or stress for one occasion can be a little treat!

4. Try not to be over-protective during sibling conflict

It is very tempting for a parent to quickly break up any type of sibling rivalry. You might worry that it’s too important to protect the loving relationship between siblings. 

It’s easy to think this is necessary in order to encourage support and care toward one another. You might also worry that your special needs child will get more easily hurt or heart-broken.

The Sibs Organization, which specializes in supporting families with children disabilities, offers the following:

“Many families find that siblings provoke their brother or sister with a learning disability or autism in order to get a reaction from them or to get their parents attention.

Children usually squabble or provoke each other for one of three reasons:

1. To get more attention from a parent

2. To get their brother or sister to be with them or play with them

3. To gain a sense of power over the other child”

By understanding the motives behind frequent fighting, parents can try strategies to resolve it. For example, if fighting is derived from attention-seeking behavior, implement regular one-on-one time.  And encourage children to simply ask for some focused time together when they’re feeling left out.

If they’re looking for more playtime, offer games and activities that both children play well together. Or set up some additional playtimes with fellow friends. If there seems to be a power struggle at hand, set some firm ground rules about the daily routine.

Offer various methods for each child to feel in control of their day, their play, or their attention. Perhaps with activities such as teaching each other something new, playing physical strength games, or taking turns choosing the play for the day.

Some level of conflict is natural and beneficial

It’s also important for all children to learn to face a certain amount of teasing and arguing. Children need to be prepared for a life that includes occasional frustration.

Both siblings need to learn to work through conflict together. So, be aware of whether you too quickly or too often intervene. Allow each of your children to experience the full range of emotions, including anger and jealousy.

If it is necessary to intervene, make sure that you work through problem-solving with both children on their individual levels of understanding and cooperating.

5. Give siblings a safe space of their very own

Many of our clients’ children struggle with sensory and motor skills challenges. Those types of challenges are often met by providing children with a sensory safe space. So, why not create an individual safe space for each of your children, with or without special needs?

Every child (and parent!) in the family should have a safe space to retreat to. This can be Mum having a bath without being disturbed. Or, a child cuddling up on her or his special bean bag in the corner of the living area.

Family members should respect these areas and others should know to leave them alone when they have retreated to an individual special area.

6. Schedule specific one-on-one time with each child

Growing up with a sibling with special needs can often make other children feel left out and wanting more attention. Whether it’s 5 minutes a day or an hour a week, set up a rotating schedule of one-on-one time with each child.

Some parents utilize a feelings jar or journal at bedtime, taking time each week to read through each child’s together and reflect. Other ideas include Saturday morning snuggles in parents’ bed together.

Or a weekday evening dinner date – just the two of you. Even something as simple as going for a walk together after dinner time while the other parent readies the other children for bed can be enough to spark personal engagement.

7. Make siblings part of the team

“Family conversations, appointments and home visits are often focused on the needs of the child who is disabled or has additional needs. As a result, siblings can feel left out and not included. You can help siblings feel included by involving them in meetings and planning.”

Oftentimes, siblings of children with disabilities have a lot of questions of confusion about their siblings’ routine or expectations.

Also, siblings often have a unique inside perspective about the interactions with their siblings outside the home. Take advantage of their vantage point and include them in IEP meetings and therapy sessions.

Not only will it give your other children an opportunity to be included, involved and feel important, it will help them understand exactly what is to be expected with their sibling’s progress.

8. Set up opportunities to meet peers of similar circumstances

Whether online or in person, there are many support organizations and networks for siblings of children with disabilities. Peers can offer support in a way that parents and teachers cannot always do. Refer back to our list of suggested worldwide organizations.

If possible, it is advised to spend time with families with and without special needs siblings. This provides an opportunity for siblings to accept their own family dynamics in the safety of smaller groups.

Parents get time to explain behaviours and needs to others in the comfort of a supportive environment and thus create an opportunity to educate other families towards understanding the challenges of special needs. This serves to not only help your family but indirectly advocating for all families with similar circumstances.

Everyone Counts

Growing up with a sibling with special needs is surely a tricky path to navigate. However, there are many positives and negatives as pointed out by many siblings.

Read this truly lovely letter from a little girl about her brother, Oisin, who has special needs.

The impact of disability on siblings might be too easily overlooked. So, let’s spend time this month incorporating some strategies for support to each of our children and their individual needs.

We hope these ideas spark some special family bonding moments for years to come!