Self Confidence Positive Affirmations in Uncoordinated Children: Q&A with Colette Dekker

Q&A with Colette Dekker, family counselor @ Mood and Mind Centre

View the video replay, or scroll down for the text-only summary.

What do we mean when we talk about “clumsiness”? Parents ask how to build self confidence positive affirmation in uncoordinated children? What makes this different than children just being rough-and-tumble?

(4:53)

• Coordination is determined by genetics
• Developmental milestones help us ensure children can do everyday tasks – if a child is missing those milestones, it’s a red flag to start observing your child in everyday tasks more carefully
• A big red flag is a child that consistently avoids physical activities, sports, PE class, etc.
• Kids often are aware of their challenges and parents can speak openly with older children to gauge the child’s confidence.
• Avoidance reduces practice. Without practice means they’ll never develop those crucial developmental skills.

What are some everyday tasks that are ultimately affected by underdeveloped coordination skills?

• Handwriting
• Preparing food/feeding yourself
• Tying shoelaces – camping, fishing, sailing, wrapping presents: all of those things have to do with tying knots and fine motor skills

“Every time a child fails at something, it affects their self-confidence.”

 How can I be supportive of my child’s lack of self-confidence that stems from their uncoordination?

(9:32)

• “Most of the uncoordinated children I see suffer from social anxiety & social isolation.”
• Acknowledge their fear and difficulty. Instead of trying to be overly positive, normalize that fear and that feeling that they can’t do something. Say, “I know this is hard for you, and I know you’re afraid of it.” Or “I can imagine how out of your comfort zone you feel.”  That will bring down the anxiety. Then, we can slowly introduce them to fun activities that build their self confidence positive affirmations.
• While normalizing the fear and acknowledging the difficulty, then re-direct to ask whether they’re having fun trying. Focus on the fun parts of the activity.
• Another option is to remind them that not everyone can be good at everything. “Your friend might be good at gymnastics, and that’s ok. But she might not be good at math, but you’re really good at math.  We all have things we’re good at, but that also means we have things we are not good at.”
• Or, discuss practicing. “When you were little, did you know what 1+1 was? No, you had to learn it and practice memorizing math. It’s the same with learning a cartwheel. Let’s learn the steps, practice, and get better.”
• Set smaller milestones within an activity. For example, walking on a balance beam. Set a goal of taking one step, then two steps. Celebrate those milestones. Then try for 4 steps, etc. Make the milestones within any activity much smaller to build confidence.

At what point do you think it’s ok for parents to remove a child from an activity, rather than encouraging them to keep trying?

(13:59)

• In any sport or hobby, it’s important to find out what type of teachers are leading – those that are looking to train athletes properly, or those who encourage the fun of the hobby even for children who aren’t naturally good at it.
• Consider pushing your child to stick with something for a specific time period. For me (Colette), it was 6 months. They can re-evaluate after 6 months, but they do need to try and try and learn to work hard at something even if it’s hard for a certain period of time.
• If you take a child out of a class without discussing with them, they’ll think they’ve failed.
• If you move a child down to a lower level, they’ll recognize that they’re not keeping up with their peers, and it will also affect their confidence.
• So, it’s important to talk to the child and have a serious conversation about whether they’re having fun or if they think they want to stop. It gives them a bit of control about things in their life.
• One option is to find a substitute. It’s absolutely ok to stop doing an organized class and instead take the money spent on class and go to a trampoline park once a week where they can have the same type of fun without the pressure of advancing through a course.
• It’s also ok if the child still wants to keep doing the class. Come up with a plan for doing some practice at home and setting your own milestones so the child can have the fun and get pushed forward at their own pace.

When removing a child from a group sport, consider the other aspects of those activities that need to be substituted in their daily routine to help your child become well-rounded:

(18:20)

Physical exercise: Even if your child cannot handle organised sport, at least put in a regular exercise schedule. Exercise is too important to the body and brain to allow a child to miss out on that regularly.

Skill-building: Find activities that incorporate developmental skills, while removing the pressure of peers watching. Things like CoordiKids, where children follow their own pace alone while moving through developmental exercises.

Team spirit: Any type of team activity – small groups or family matches against one another – children need to feel part of a group, feel achievement, and work together. It’s an important psychological component.

Self-discipline & resilience: Children need to learn resilience and that when they fall, they need to get back up and try again.  Even playing on a playground – parents need to participate by encouraging the child to try different parts, like the monkey bars or the swings which encourageself confidence positive affirmations.

They need to experience trying, failing, falling and victory. So be sure to praise them when they try again, that builds confidence and resilience.

Do we really need to be worried about children that are clumsy at one or two things but are clearly smart and talented in other ways?

(25:32)

• Coordination impacts self-confidence, social skills, and enjoyment of life.
• Even with a talent, there are so many other elements of coordination that will make that talent even better. Even an opera singer has to walk on stage, she has to have rhythm, she has to hold a microphone. We aren’t just one aspect, we are a combination of many skills and one feed another.

Any time a child struggles with something, try breaking it down into much smaller, more simple parts. Make it fun, and make it a win, and it will continue to build their confidence and fun associations with the activity, rather than failure and frustration.